My Toddler Called Me a Stupid B*tch
My four year old can be a dick. Sometimes I feel like I’m talking to an angry drunk or an abusive partner. For example, first thing in the morning, “Mommy. Your breath stinks.” Later that day post shower, “Mommy, you’re so beautiful.” He tears me down then builds me back up. Sometimes he builds me up, “Mommy, I love you more than anyone in the whole world,” only to tear me down minutes later, “You are the worst Mommy EVER!”
How is one supposed to deal with being an emotional punching bag? Well, by constantly reminding ourselves that our children are children, and like a person with a mental illness, they know not what they do. For instance, Charlie, as a four year old, does not have a fully developed pre-frontal cortex, and therefore empathy is not his strong suit.
In a fit of rage, if he’s just slapped his older brother in the back with all his tiny might, it is up to my husband and I as parents to calmly explain why this is not ok and to direct him to look into his brother’s eyes and see the tears he’s caused. It’s also up to us, to realize when he replies, “I DON’T CARE!” that his brain is still in fight or flight. In actuality, he does care, and is developing feelings of guilt and shame that he is struggling to cope with. In this particular case, the way he coped with what we call his “uncomfortable feelings” was to rise up in righteous fury, point at his tiny finger at my husband, his brother and myself and shout out of his bright red face, “YOU STUPID BITCHES!”
When this happened, I had to duck down and hide my laughter because I had just witnessed the funniest thing I have ever seen in my thirty-eight years on this planet. Miraculously, my husband kept a straight face, picked up him, and took him out of the room to cuddle him into calmness.
You may ask, how does a four year old know the word “bitch”? What kind of parent would teach their toddler that word? I’ll tell you who: their father. One day in the car we heard “bitch” on the radio. Their father decided to use this as a teaching moment and tell our sons that they had just heard a bad word that meant female canine, and they were not to use it. They didn’t ask many follow up questions and the big brother never bothered to bring it up again. Charlie, however, filed away this golden information and even used it a couple of times, only it came out, “Mommy, you’re a beach!” This is why it was so shocking and so special that day when he called his entire family “stupid bitches”. He finally got it right. I will never forget that day.
Photo by Jelleke Vanooteghem on Unsplash