Parenting Toddler Hulk
Oh my god. My kid’s a jerk. My son was a little younger than two when he first started hitting me, and this was my immediate thought every time he raised his little fist of fury. I tried everything to stop him including, but not limited to, pleading, holding, stamping my feet and shouting. Shouting was the method I resorted to most often. Yes, it clearly upset my son, but it was my Father’s method when he needed his three daughters to spring into action. At dinnertime, directed at my little sister, “WHY WON’T YOU EAT YOUR FOOD!” In the morning, while trying to get my high-school aged big sister out of the house, “GOD DAMN WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE!” It was the background noise of my childhood, and it only really registered on the rare occasion it was directed at me — the model middle child.
Thus, lacking first-hand experience of any other discipline model I began yelling at James. I didn’t understand why he started acting aggressive. Due to this lack of knowledge I found it harder to control my own temper and empathise when he turned into Toddler Hulk. I thought that only Mommy Hulk could stop him.
As his tantrums became more frequent and started to include more punching, the yelling increased. One such night it was time to shut off Peppa Pig and eat dinner. “TV! TV! TV!” shouted James.
“I’m sorry sweetie. It’s time to wash our hands and eat.”
“Nooooooooo!” he snatched the remote off the coffee table and threw it at my head. It connected right above my eyes. He had a strong arm.
I clutched my forehead, eyes wide in shock. “Noooooooo!” I grabbed both of his shoulders and screamed back at him. “You do NOT hurt Mommy!” I grabbed the remote and jumped up to place it out of his reach. James stopped crying for a second, eyes wide in fear, but then proceeded to enter full-scale meltdown mode. I was about to direct more rage at him when my husband and his calm aura from having just spent his day surrounded by adults, walked into the living room. After taking time to calm our child by cuddling him and gently speaking to him, he turned to me and asked, “Do you think it’s a good idea to shout at him?” My back immediately stiffened, “Yes.” I snapped, “It worked for my Dad.”
“I just don’t think it helps.”
“Why? What did your parents do?”
“We never shouted. We talked.”
I rolled my eyes, “yeah right, like that works.” He dropped the topic, deciding not to further provoke Mommy Hulk. Yet he got me thinking; it wasn’t working. If anything the tantrums were getting worse.
I started to research other methods of discipline and I purchased the Pocket Parent and Dr. Harvey Karp’s Happiest Toddler on the Block on Amazon. I don’t remember what the Pocket Parent advised aside from timeouts. Happiest Toddler on the Block, on the other hand, was definitely useful. It compared toddlers to cave people and provided methods to better communicate with them such as crouching down and meeting them at eye level and how to speak “Toddler-ese.” Although I had found some useful tools to deal with tantrums, I was still searching for a better way to discipline my child.
Fortunately it was around this time that I started attending a Parent Child Education class at Bella Vista Elementary taught by Miss Katie. Between snack time and art, Miss Katie offered thirty minutes of Parent Education. While our children played at our feet, Miss Katie stood up in front of a white board and taught us about Non-violent Parenting. It felt great to be a student again. It was a vast departure from my last Parent-Child class where parents were given five-minute lectures on topics such as the importance of hand-washing and how scissor use develops hand-eye coordination while hovering over our snacking children. Miss Katie gave each parent a journal, and we were encouraged to take notes and ask questions.
One of the topics we covered was tantrums. She taught us that when our child is in the middle of a tantrum, their rational brain (which does not fully develop until age 25!) is hijacked by their primitive, irrational brain and they become unable to listen to reason. To get through to our angry children we must exude calm and provide them with gentle touches and loving support until they are able to regain control. No judgement, no punishment, no yelling, no hitting. And the more we did this when our children were in the midst of a tantrum, the better our children could develop their rational brains and control their emotions. This class was my aha moment. The reason I felt so horrible everytime I yelled at James is because I shouldn’t be doing it. The reason James threw tantrums was not because he was a jerk, but because he was in a normal stage of childhood development. Shouting was lazy parenting. To develop his brain, I had to first develop my own.
I changed my strategy, made sure to give my child extra love and kisses when he was angry and abracadabra the hitting and tantrums stopped! Just kidding. Non-Violent Parenting is a practice, and like exercise, the more you do, the stronger and better you become at it. It took us over a year, and probably over a hundred repetitions of “we are gentle with our friends, our Mommies, our Daddies, our brothers” before James stopped hitting. I coudn’t, and still can’t control my yelling all the time, but when I am able to take a step back, and approach my tantruming child calmly and lovingly, his tantrums are shorter and more manageable.
I definitely still yell though; especially when I’m tired. It’s a constant struggle. I wasn’t provided with the right tools to control my emotions and properly develop my own rational brain because of my Father’s exhaustion and his lack of exposure to alternative parenting methods. He didn’t have a Miss Katie. Luckily for James, I do.