Want to be a better parent? Do the work.
To survive the past eighteen months I’ve been listening to a ton of podcasts that one might classify as “self-help”. They range from talks delivered by a Buddhist therapist, to the Motherkind podcast which in one episode interviewed a woman who advises tracking your menstrual cycle to predict your energy levels. Usually, after a podcast episode I feel a tiny bit smarter and have gained new insight as to how to be a better human in this world.
One of the major teachings I’ve found on my self help study journey is that it’s critical to take care of ourselves before we can take care of others. It sounds simple, but as a slay at home mother of two, it is oh so hard to do. For instance, the mere act of asking my partner for more support tortured me. I had to quiet the voice telling me I didn’t deserve to ask for more, that I should be able to suck it up and cope with my diminishing sanity because I wasn’t providing our family with any monetary income. Stomaching the guilt that washes over me when I give my children screen time in order to exercise or recharge is also brutal. Putting my podcast knowledge into practice and “setting boundaries” and “advocating for myself” required having honest, difficult conversations with my family. Fighting for what I need to be a better mom, wife and human is a daily work in progress.
At times it is still physically painful to say no when my son says, “Mommy will you play baseball with me?” But if it’s been a long day and I say yes, I know I will be a bitter opponent and each pitch will be filled with resentment. I will be rushing to end the game and cheering his hits half-heartedly while calculating how much time I have left to get dinner ready before the household hanger tantrums start. Sometimes, it’s just not worth it, so now I say, “I can’t. I have to get dinner ready” and brace for the tiny death I feel inside when I hear his disappointed, “awwww”.
Fortunately, kids are smart and it was surprisingly easy for mine to grasp the concept that Mommy has needs too. A book I used to introduce this concept is How Full Is Your Bucket? It’s about how everyone has an invisible bucket of water suspended over their head and throughout the day water is either added or taken away depending on their positive (water added) or negative (water emptied) experiences. Using the bucket metaphor, the protagonist is able to see how his actions impacts others in helpful or hurtful ways. Because of this book, now, when I’ve lost my temper, I’m able to apologize to my sons and say, “I’m sorry. I don’t have much patience right now. My bucket is empty.” They get it and are quick to forgive me which helps me feel like less of a failure for my outburst. My four year old will cuddle me and say, “Is that filling your bucket Mommy?”
Another crucial skill I’ve learned on my self-help journey is the ability to take a beat when the poop hits the fan. The idea is, if you are able to pause and take a breath every time rage bubbles, you can stop yourself from letting your anger hurt the people around you. I grew up in a house with a parent who was not always in control of their emotions and occasionally went on what my sisters and I dubbed as “the warpath”. I want to break this cycle, be a better mother, and teach my sons that its not ok to shout and scare others. It’s nearly impossible for me to take a beat when I’m exhausted and my kids aren’t coming to the table for dinner, or my seven year old is refusing to put away his iPad, but witnessing him visibly flinch with anxiety and fear after I shout his name across the room devastates me, because in his flinch, I see that scared little girl who made herself small and grew up trying to please everyone so that she was never the cause of “the warpath”.
It’s not easy, but I’m trying. The best part about having kids is that there are endless opportunities to practice mindful parenting because they do things to piss you off every day! Without them, you would have to wait for someone to cut you off while driving or piss you off at work to notice how you feel. Not me! I get to feel the rage, notice it, and try (and sometimes fail!) to not let it consume me on the daily. It takes time and effort, but putting my podcast knowledge into practice is working and I‘ve noticed positive changes in my relationship with my family and with myself. Doing the work is worth it. Thanks Apple.
Photo by Mohammad Metri on Unsplash